The most amusing quotes of all time

You've found the right place if you need humorous quotations to illustrate a point, liven up a presentation, deliver a toast, or simply for a good laugh.

Oct 9, 2023 - 10:44

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The most amusing quotes of all time

You've come to the correct spot if you're looking for hilarious quotations to make a point, enliven a presentation, deliver a toast, or just for fun. Since our first issue in 1922, Reader's Digest has been collecting amusing quotations and sayings, and we've compiled a list of some all-time favourites.

Funny quotes about marriage

1. “My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates

2. “If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota

3. “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell

4. “Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman

5. “Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller

6. “Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart

7. “Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.” —Jim Carrey

Funny quotes about parenting

8. “Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone

9. “A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry

10. “Just be good and kind to your children. Not only are they the future of the world, they’re the ones who can sign you into a home.” —Dennis Miller

11. “When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield

12. “If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon

13. “When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck

14. “Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis

15. “I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller

Funny quotes about families

16. “It seems I have spent a lifetime of mouthing mechanically, ‘Say thank you. Sit up straight. Use your napkin. Close your mouth when you chew. Don’t lean back in your chair.’ Just when I finally got my husband squared away, the kids came along.” —Erma Bombeck

17. “There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.” —Jerry Seinfeld

18. “There are two classes of travel—first class and with children.”—Robert Benchley

19. “Happiness is having a large, caring, close-knit family in another city.” —George Burns

Funny quotes about dogs

20. “When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.” —Nora Ephron

21. “A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” —Robert Benchley

22. “If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.” —Andrew A. Rooney

23. “If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.” —Phil Pastoret

Funny quotes about cats

24. “The cat could very well be man’s best friend but would never stoop to admitting it.” —Doug Larson

25. “Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez

26. “In order to maintain a well-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him.” —Peterborough Examiner, Canada

27. “Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.” —Anonymous

Funny quotes about friends

28. “Friends are God’s way of apologizing to us for our families.” —Anonymous

29. “The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they’re okay, then it’s you.” —Rita Mae Brown

30. “The holy passion of friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money.” —Mark Twain

Courtesy: Redears’Digest

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